Don't Know

...no, really, what is his name? "Don't Know" we would reply in this weird "Whose on First" routine. My late sister-in-law was returning from a track meet in Ohio when she almost hit a little kitten that was orange and white. When she opened the door to check on him, he hopped on in and she said "I don't know what I am going to do with you"and off she went. Don't Know has been with us for a long time since. We inherited him 5 1/2 years ago, after April died. Sister Izzy is with us too. Interestingly enough, it has taken her about 3 years of residing in this house to become comfortable with moving from her favorite perch on the sun porch. Or maybe she has been too comfortable all along...Anyway, her older brother, the reason April got her for company, looks as though he is leaving us behind. We have tried medications, tlc, turkey, beef,water,anything to help him to keep going but I think we are losing this one. Damn thyroid. As of now he has not moved from his perch in the kitchen. His whole world reduced to being close to food, bathroom and comfort. I hate how this hurts me but its not about me. What is right is no more suffering for him. He is a lucky cat and he knows it and always has repayed it and now it is time for us to repay him. Some good stories about that cat , for sure.

soy uniqua

hope i spelled that right. I have been discovering for myself the depth of the shame I have felt toward myself through this past lenten practice and Easter week. I feel less anticipatory tensions and more relaxed as though I have come through something difficult but in the end it lightens the burden. Because I have. It's been lovingly pointed out that I find my condition as an only child to be something that I refer to in negative or shaming language and understanding that to hear of the concept in spanish it eases some of the shame attached to being an only. soy uniqua. I am one of a kind. Sounds much better to my ears than what is implied or openly expressed by my very existence in this culture. It is still a pitiable condition in other places but at least it is held with kindness toward me. In Latin American cultures I am regarded sadly because I am childless as well as clearly past the age of child bearing but again they are usually a gentle people. But saying "I am one of a kind" in Spanish helps to heal the " You must have been spoiled or you must be spoiled" or some other derogatory remark. One of my personal favorites is " I don't want my child to be an only child that would be horrible for them etc etc..." knowing that I am an only. It was also pointed out to me that these remarks here in this culture could be envy driven. Much to think about as the journey continues. Next Up: Peru.

the easter trilogy

I began this blog during this holy of seasons last year, 2005. I started again this past year and have even renamed this cosmicblog. Its all the rage if the mainstream media are reporting on it!!! The world, not taking enough to process all the technological changes, flales blindly in this new blog world. What I choose to focus on over the course of the next 3 days is the play that repeats itself in order to honor the life that was the Master Teacher, Jesus. Remembering, in order to begin again. The weather to my south is sunny but the north winds over the lake bring ominous signs. Fitting for what is ahead. Guatemala is behind me but Peru lies ahead. More journies, more tests, more joys. I don't want to be staring at the empty tomb when the resurrected Jesus walks on by. I look forward to spring in all its glory.

cosmic codependency?

I received a book this week by Robert Burney entitled "The Dance of the Wounded Souls" a cosmic look at codependency. I am not even going to try to define what codependency is since it has morphed into so many definitions over the decades. Suffice it to say that it contains this nuggett of food for thought: Mr. Burney theorizes that codependency and other dysfunctional relationships spring up from religion not faith setting the rules.Since Paul laid the foundation of the modern church he more than likely interjected his own human experience into the mix. Therefore, one can conclude that since he was a convert in the most severe of terms and his persecution of early christians provokes such guilt within him that he created the concepts of " Son of God" and "he died for our sins" based on his inner turmoil and we have had millenia to weave that guilt and shame into our very psyche or wiring, if you will . That may be one reason why the "love thy neighbors as thyself " fails so miserably. We all feel like shit about ourselves from the getgo and then if our earthly family has issues and lets face whose doesn't, we get whammies from everywhere. Cut out the human experience of Paul, and we can eliminate the conflict between "we are created in God's image" (so why isn't this a good thing?")and Paul's projected inner turmoil onto a major archetype of the last 2,000 years. Jesus, the Master Teacher,who I choose to follow back to my creator, without the religous dysfunctional garbage of Paul's psyche. Do I then need a church?...

2006

...a year of change for many people in my life. I'm changing by staying still(ish). At the cellular level I am really quite busy!! Wish I still collected t-shirts. I feel like a touchstone. A place for a reality check for others on this journey who are making changes that temporarily distort reality till a newer, more healthy one get created. I've been working alooooonnnnnnggggg time at making sure I am healthier all the time. Now is the time to put alot of this in action. whole new level and lovin' it. Its what I have been studying.
I had the most delightful afternoon with 2 young men I have not seen in quite some time. Yet, there appearance was striking and beautiful, charm undeniable and almost contemplating potty training. Jonathan and Kevin you are wonerful gifts to us all. Next time I will make sure that my camera batteries are charged.
check in once in a while, I do....